Being friends shouldn't be so complicated
I'm sure most of you have read me crying the blues about my friends who are splitting up. For those of you who don't know the story, this couple were married for 18 years. We've hung around with them for over 10 years. We camped together; we travelled to Mexico and Dominican Republic together; we didn't knock when we entered each others homes and we even bought a cottage on the same lake as them so we'd be able to be visit back and forth.
Kade and I were friends first. We met playing ball and became drinking buddies because Kade and Howie (another friend) and I were always the last to go to bed after our many campfires. When I met Colleen I was intimidated by her at first. She has an abraisive way about her at times but eventually we also became friends. In August he walked out. He told me that he didn't love her anymore and there was no one else. I believed him and told people that. Last month he ended up with the neighbor, Sophie. Sophie had long been rumored to be the reason for the breakup by many people in town. Now I feel like a fool. Even after he started seeing Sophie he still told me that it wasn't going on prior to the separation. As much as it pains me to say it, I think he's bullshitting me.
One of my many faults has always been that I'm too trusting. Some might even go as far as to say naive. I'm working on that though. It hurts that I think he lied to me. Last weekend he went to Montreal with her and didn't even mention it to me. He's drifting away (or being pulled away by Sophie) and I am really finding it hard to know what to do. Do I call him up and pretend that I'm not hurt by his distance? Do I sit back and let him get over the wild monkey sex part of this new relationship and hope he'll come back to us all? It's not just me he seems to be walking away from, it's our whole group of friends. We've all told him many times that it doesn't matter if Sophie was the reason for the split and that we'll welcome her and give her an honest chance.
My friendship with Colleen is extremely strained at the moment too. I honestly do feel a lot of sympathy for her but, and this is a big but, I can't be there for her because of the things she's said and done directly to me. A bunch of stuff happened prior to the separation but mostly since then. My feeling is that she needs to take some responsibility and stop playing the victim card. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. There are a lot of reasons that I feel this way but I won't go into them. Actually Bob *waves @ Bob* gave me the best advice and it has really helped when dealing with Colleen. We are cordial when we run into each other (which happens fairly often) and maybe some day we'll be able to be friends again but just not right now.
It makes me sad and I thought that by writing it all down it might purge some of the sadness.
posted by lights | 8:33 a.m.
7 Comments:
You can tell him you and your other friends miss him, but remember he's male. The lower head will be doing all the thinking and will pick sex over anything else. *grin*
*hug* You know Sophie may not have "caused" the breakup, but she may have been just another reason for it? Maybe her letting him know she was interested was the straw that broke the camel's back and he left? (just thinking outloud)
About half an hour after I posted this, Kade called. He was calling to see if I'd give his daughter and friend a ride home on Friday night. I told him that we missed him and not to be a stranger. He said he'd call again soon. I agree that the lower head has been in charge a lot lately. *wink*
I also agree that Sophie wasn't the only reason for the breakup. He wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. Looking back I should have known that from things he'd told me. That's why I'm so willing to give Sophie a chance. Colleen isn't always the easiest person to be friends with so I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to live with her.
This is all so new to me. I've never had close friends separate and I've never gone through it myself. What a sheltered life I've lived. *snicker*
Thanks for the input Breezy. It helps to hear what others have to say about this. I try not to talk to our RL friends about it because I don't want what I say going back to Colleen. Somehow it always gets taken out of context. *hugs*
*hugs*
So, did writing it all down help?
I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I just don't know what to say.
*more hugs*
Writing things down often works for me. I've written many a long-winded letter when I'm pissed about something (I know you all find it inconceivable that I'd write something long-winded) only to delete it without sending it.
I guess he took it to heart when I said we missed him. He came to visit us last night and brought Dave a coffee. It was a short visit but a visit none the less.
It's weird because he never discusses Sophie with Dave and I. He doesn't even mention her name. Why? I assured him that she'll be welcomed with all of us.
Lights, Sophie may have just decided that you have too much "couples" history with Kade & Colleen. It would be hard & intimidating to try and step into an on-going social dynamic like that.
Also, she may have her own friends she is trying to get Kade to bond with.
I know I backed Tom right out of a long-time friendship he had with a former co-worker (a woman) who remained good friends with his ex-wife. She tried to be nice to me, invited us over & stuff, but I was always conscious of the fact that she would be sharing everything I said and everything about how Tom & I related to each other with his ex. I couldn't get over that. Tom's big head and little head both understood, lol.
I was thinking that knowing I've backed away from Colleen would have made it more comfortable for Kade, and for Sophie. That wasn't the reason I backed away but I thought it would have made a difference. Kade knows and trusts that I won't repeat anything to Colleen. Other than his family, I'm the only person he confides in about stuff.
It's a small town and you know what that's like. She has been rumored to have been the cause of about 5 marriage breakups and doesn't really have many close friends. We're friends with her Dad and his girlfriend but we've never discussed her.
I'm dropping the kids off at his place tonight so maybe I'll have a chance to have a chat.
It's so hard to feel like you are in the middle when friends break up.
He may not be lying to you about Sophie, maybe it was just an attraction before the breakup, and that gave him a reason to finally make a break.
Even though he is pulling a bit away, just make sure he knows you still care, he'll come back to his friends.
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